Thoughts on Love

The most primitive social contract the individual has with the world is the subconscious belief that if you love someone, they will love you back.  The degree to which you believe this may be the single most defining feature of who you are, and that faith is determined by how well it is honored by the two people you sign it with on the day you’re born. Being on the giving end of this arrangement is the essence of a long-term mating strategy, and it applies to a woman and a child equally.

Committed and reciprocal love is the central value of the nuclear family, and the nuclear family is the central institution of stable individuals. I came into the world alone and joined a nuclear family down the road. I can testify that if this contract is broken at any point — if a home is broken — the trust that love will be reciprocated is unfathomably hard to recover. Fewer and fewer people have it every year. Broken people with no expectation of love. Stormtroopers of the r-Selection mating strategy. This is what a feminist looks like.

***

Sex continues to be insane with Alissa, caved in and slept with Nicole. Three new girls this week, and one temporary one. Lizzy and possibly Jillian have probably fallen off by now. Two girls hit me up with their numbers; one cute, one so-so. An 18 year old added me on Tumblr. Lives in the area, has no friends. First semester of college. Got her facebook, chatted. Will get number and see what happens.

In Honolulu for the week and meeting up with a friend of a friend tomorrow. Never been with a Hawaiian before, but I’ve been with a number of Philippinas and they are wonderful people.

I haven’t had a girlfriend in two years and I wouldn’t mind trying it out again. I want to hit on a girl named Mel up here, and the recent ex-girlfriend of a friend in the city. Alissa might be an option — she’s been consistently saner and more well-behaved than she was in the Spring. Her reputation as a ratchet is a deterrent, but dating a stripper could be a nice mistake for a little while. Her low expectations of commitment signal a low potential for drama, but an ounce of foresight suggests that it would be exceedingly dramatic.

Men are contract oriented — word is bond. My greatest source of anxiety is the possibility that I will sign up to be with someone and then be obligated to feel something I don’t feel. I am emotionally claustrophobic and have had horrible experiences with women going crazy when I don’t return their affections. One told everyone I raped her, and that is still a rumor around town primarily among people whose opinions I don’t care about (anarchists, feminists, general dumbasses.) For better or worse, I view entering a relationship as an agreement that you will act a certain way around someone and feel a certain way towards them. In all cases, I lose interest, so I avoid the situation. This is the biggest thing I am interested in changing about myself.

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